One hundred years before this story begins…
It was a time of darkness in Transylvania…

A time when Dr. Abraham Van Helsing…
And a small band of freedom fighters…
Conspired to rid the world of vampires and monsters… and to save mankind from the forces of eternal evil…

They blew it.

What can you say about this children’s film? A small gang of children fascinated with monsters have their own monster club. Problems arise when they discover the monsters they love are real and in their town planning to take over the world. The club quickly becomes a squad and along with scary German guy and one of the squads older sister they are the only ones standing in the way of Dracula’s plan to conquer the world.

That brings us onto Draculas squad. The Wolfman, Frankenstein’s monster and The Mummy. Oh yeah there’s Gillman (Creature from the Black Lagoon). He’s easily forgettable in this film. The finest assortment of classic movie monsters in film history all faithfully represented. Apart from Gillman.

Did I say this was a children’s film? It’s not. The children use language that, well even though I used when I was twelve and I’m sure you did too, you would never hear in Grange Hill. Some of the context I was too young to understand when I first watched this, talk of virgins, the slurs from the children, kids smoking and making bullets in class at school. This is how Disney should make films. The number of people shot is astoundingly high as well, then there’s Dracula.

Big Scary Monster!

He’s evil. Got a problem with some children? Go to their house and start chucking dynamite. 5 year old girl wont give you the amulet you need? Pick her up by the throat and call her a bitch. Wizard magazine listed their 100 greatest movie villains and Dracula came in at #30, however it was Duncan Regehrs performance in this film they chose over all other portrayals. This isn’t a serious film so Regehrs performance could easily have descended into pantomime and it’s a credit to him this doesn’t happen.

This doesn’t happen in the film and who is she?

You really need to suspend belief when watching this film but surprisingly that’s not an issue. The series of events that brings everyone together is so far fetched and preposterous you’d think Stephanie Meyers wrote the screenplay. Thankfully she didn’t instead it was Fred Dekker who you might remember wrote Robocop 3. He did have a bit of help from Shane Black. You might have heard of his work, he wrote and directed Iron Man 3.

This film is pure fun. I get the feeling everyone involved actually cared about the film they were making. There are so many references to horror throughout. In one of the children’s rooms is a Freddy jumper, a poster for Zombie flesh eaters. I wish I had that room when I was a kid. In fact I want it now.
It’ll leave you with lines you’ll remember far longer than you probably should. To this day I still know that Wolfman wears pants to cover his Wolf Dork and that he has nards.
It poignantly makes you ponder if there is more than one way to kill a werewolf.
Car Crash?
Accident with power tools?
Old age?

All this takes place in a small town. A small town with an unlimited number of police officers. That must be the safest place on earth, if you ignore all the undead creatures of the night.

I can’t tell you how much I love this film, it’s Goonies 2. Such a guilty pleasure and I recommend seeing it when you can.

And who doesn’t like the Goonies? Well if you don’t… Sod off.
Directed by Fred Dekker

Written by Shane Black and Fred Dekker

Starring Andre Gower, Robby Kiger, Stephen Macht, Duncan Regehr and Tom Noonan
Aw, fat kid farted