I have a lot of bad horror films that I’ve been putting off watching because they are bad.
When I say bad I mean modern.
Washed out colours, YouTube bedroom audio quality, YouTube bedroom camera quality.
Same plot, same script, same SJW forced message, same tropes and clichés and just samey.
So to give me a reason to watch them I had a Bad Film June where I watched one a day and then had to decide whether to bin it or keep it.
Maybe I’m wrong about modern horror. Maybe this month will change my mind.
Only one way to find out…
To read Part two click HERE
Day 1: Madison County (2011)
As with a lot of cheap modern horror it has a nice DVD cover.
So usual fare as the film starts with 5 teens on a trip. We have the couple hiding their relationship (every film has to have a romantic subplot) but unlike most films this couple isn’t so bad.
Granted the GF is selfish and dismissive of her boyfriend but no real conflict there so where is it?
Every film has to have conflict between friends or family or any group of people. We can’t see people simply getting along now can we?
Well this comes in the form of unwanted on trip tag along, Kyle. Brother of said GF.
Pointless conflict as usual but I warmed to him slightly when he stopped being a such miserable sod.
The killer runs round with a Pigs head on and in Hick dungarees which look good but he is still a generic red-neck Jason\Michael.
At 82 minutes this film doesn’t drag it’s feet. The build up is good and everyone that dies does so like you would expect someone to in real life.
No spoilt 18 year old college girl with the durability of Buffy and survival instincts of Rambo.
The deaths are short and to the point just like this film just take your motion sickness pills. That shaky cam is especially shaky today.
I liked it.
A good start but I know it wont last.
Day 2: No Tell Motel (2012)
So after a promising start it all falls apart with this turd.
What this film has going for it is the fact that it’s well made and doesn’t look like something made for YouTube.
The problem is the characters.
They are all garbage. No mater how good you think someone is in this film they all turn out to be pieces of shite one way or the other apart from the only decent one who dies first though I suspect given time they would’ve found a way to make her on par with a child molester.
At the core of it this film is simply nasty. I don’t know if it’s trying to emulate Hostel but hostel had characters you could root for and only shocked the viewers with the level of gore and not depravity.
It seems the film tries its hardest not to gross you out or scare you but to take every chance it has to take anything that resembles decency in any of the characters on show and remove that decency as if that is a clever twist.
It becomes a parody of itself and shows us why we can name plenty of characters from horror films in the 80’s but very little to none today.
Don’t expect a Nancy or Glen or Tommy Jarvis here. All we have is how quick can the film-makers turn whatever remaining decent character into the pit of the earth and then throw in a crass scene, for two of them this is especially true, to try to shock the audience.
Like I said it’s nicely filmed to the point it looks like a decent budgeted film but really it’s a polished turd.
I have 28 more days of this shite to get through!
Verdict: Bin it
Verdict: Bin it
Verdict: Keep it
Day 5: Children of the Living Dead (2001)
I’ve heard how bad this is so why do I like it.
The effects are cheap (but not CGI) and the script is bad, the plot has more holes than my Y-fronts and it’s crowning glory is the dubbing.
It’s so bad that it feels like this is a non-English film re-recorded into English.
Tom Savini at the start simply can’t stop muttering but rarely does his mouth move and when the dialogue does match the actors mouth movements it is laughable at how obvious it is that it has been re-recorded.
With a scene involving several people you have the person talking whilst simultaneously hearing the mutterings of everyone else.
It’s brilliantly bad and I think I have a new favourite Zombie in Abbot Hayes. Even his name is bad and sorry Bub.
There isn’t much to say about the film so here is some trivia for you.
John Russo who co-wrote the original Night of the Living Dead has rights to produce his own Living Dead series and this is what he came up with.
In the film we learn the first outbreak was in 1969, referring to Night of the Living Dead (1968) and then there was a second outbreak in 1986, referring to The Return of the Living Dead (1985) and both of those are films you should watch instead of this.
I cannot recommend it at all
Verdict: Keep it
Verdict: Bin Laden it
Verdict: Bomb it
Verdict: Keep it
Day 9: Zombie Hunters (2008) aka Hunting Grounds
I don’t care about budgets in films. Patrol Men (2010) had a budget of only £5000 which is a bit less than the US$20,000 Zombie Hunters had but Patrol Men used its budget better.
The story has too many sub-plots going through it and too much exposition that is delivered by French Canadians who’s accents are so thick that I couldn’t understand significant parts of it.
If the director had cut back on the different locations and that would have meant using less CGI in them, simplified the story more he could have achieved a better looking film and had a more coherent film.
There’s only so much that can be done with such a tiny amount of money but his ambition was far too high.
The acting was bad, the film dragged on and the characters were a mess.
There are some good ideas in this film. The special effects to show when something was a hologram was good. The Minority Report type interfaces looked good and the story had potential but if there’s supposed to be so much pollution that people are restricted to virtual worlds and cannot leave the cities to go into the wilderness then how come in Canada everyone drives that years model Toyota?
It isn’t the budget that lets this film down it’s the lack of attention to detail and scope attempted by the director that does and that’s a shame.
If he had reigned himself in a bit he would have more to show.
Verdict: bin il
Day 10: Zombie Apocalypse (2011)
Made for SyFy by the Asylum.
Christ all this needs it to be called an After Dark original and we have the holy trinity of lazy, cash-in rubbish.
Featuring Ving Rhames who you might remember from better films such as the Dawn of the Dead remake, this made for TV movie is not that bad.
It’s a cash in of the Walking Dead and doesn’t hide it with the similarities and references including Walking Dead creator Robert Kirkman and a few comments demanding that they be called Zombies (That was funny) to picking out carbon copy characters like Daryl, Rick but the most in your face is the Michonne rip-off.
But fuck it I liked them all.
I liked this TV movie. Some… more than some of the effects are not the best yet it does a good job making you believe it’s a world decimated by Zombies.
Of course some of the action is laughable but then some of it is ok. Good locations, good situations and not a bad cast.
Cheap but good fun even if this is nothing more than the first series of the Walking Dead condensed into 90 minutes but with a tenth of the budget of one episode.
In fact all it needed was a bad imitation of one of Ricks speeches.
If you don’t mind cheap crap TV movie rip-offs then give it a go.
if you don’t then probably stay clear.
Verdict: Keep it
Day 11: The Dead (2010)
A British zombie film set in Africa.
An American soldier survives a plane crash and has to find a way out of Africa helped by AWOL African soldier Daniel who’s trying to find his son.
A brilliant 15 or so minutes start of this above average zombie flick that starts to slow its pace considerably as the film goes on but thankfully didn’t drag.
Sometimes the script wasn’t that well thought out and there were a few scenes that are supposed to be impact-full or meaningful and miss the mark a bit yet others that don’t like the Mother and her baby.
Some nice effects and gory deaths also the film-makers make good use of the beautiful scenery available to them.
I will watch this one again just be wary that it is a slower paced film.
Verdict: Keep it
Day 12: The Body (2012)
A Spanish thriller about a successful businesswoman who died earlier that day but who’s body suddenly disappears from the morgue leading a detective to try to prove the husband did it and the husband being seemingly taunted by his now dead wife.
After 15 minutes I was convinced I had the plot figured out and it was something I’ve seen before more times that I care to ever see again.
Despite being tired and predictable The Body is beautifully filmed in every way and to waste such good work on a story we’ve seen before left me disappointed.
So imagine my surprise when the film had one little surprise of its own that removed all disappointment I had and that goes to show why I love foreign films so much.
Yes the final twist itself is a bit contrived but as everything about this film is screaming quality and given what I thought I was going to end up with I was left satisfied.
Find this if you like a good thriller.
Verdict: Keep it
Day 13: The Apparition (2012)
A couple move into a new house but quickly realise that there’s something more supernatural there.
I know some people don’t think things like plot and characters are important in films and for 80’s cheese that’s true but if you’re making what’s supposed to be a serious horror then only getting the cinematography right won’t save a badly written film.
The boyfriend is your usual clumsy, tread upon wimp too scared to stand up for himself with his misses and willing to take all the blame for shit that isn’t his fault and the girlfriend is your usual selfish, controlling and dismissive female character that passes for final girl these days so no doubt feminist will absolutely love her.
They are the biggest problem with this film. All through the film I wanted them to die because they are awful characters.
But the truly sad aspect of this film is that it is nicely filmed and the bits where the entity is making it’s presence known is quite good as well as the first attempt later on to trap it.
In fact the out of body and suffocation scene (he should’ve let her suffocate) is fantastic as well as when the hands are appearing from behind the girlfriend and grabbing her.
I hate it when I watch a horror film that has potential made by a director that has some talent.
It’s more of a waste than when I watch a badly made film.
I don’t think Warner Bros would’ve worked so hard to bury this film if the characters weren’t such poison to watch.
Verdict: Bury it like Warner tried to
Day 14: Shark Night 3D (2011)
Not bad at all.
A group of friends (that actually get along) go to one their friends home for a trip.
The problem is in the waters is a shark… or two.
Like I said this wasn’t bad. The special effects vary from ok (but still better than anything the SyFy channel throws out) to pretty good and the 3D is really good.
At its worst you have an easy on the eyes that gives you slight sense of depth but when the film is underwater the effect is incredible.
More than just a simple sense of depth.
There’s some nice deaths and nicely despicable characters plus the film doesn’t take too long to get into why we are here.
No 40 minutes of irritating college students drinking and being crude, annoying to the point we want to see them all die and then the shark attacks.
Cheesy ending aside I enjoyed this one a lot. I’m sure it’s an average film but it does enough things right to be entertaining for 84 minutes so thumbs up for me which is more than one of them could do in the film after his first attack.