The Texas Roadside Massacre (2012) Review

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The Texas Roadside Massacre
(2012)

“I haven’t even broken the law yet.
You fuckers were on my property.
I can write-orr the cost of killin’ all y’all in next years taxes.
Now that’s a country I love to call home.”

 

The Texas Roadside Massacre otherwise known as Roadside Massacre (we can guess why the cash-in on a more successful seri… I mean change of name) is about a group of teenagers who end up with car troubles and stranded in a strange town whilst looking for the final girls missing sister.

Our usual suspects for this sort of fare are here,
The moronic final girl whose decisions will be the cause of someones death and yet will be the last one from the group standing
Her bland boyfriend working hard to make their relationship as unbelievable as possible
The socially awkward clown of a friend
The knobhead tough guy and his slutty girlfriend who’s relationship is a lot more believable to be fair but you will still question how all of these wildly different people are friends to start with.

So the are looking for morons sister and stop at a roadside cafe to eat after picking up a very odd and peculiar employee from the establishment after almost running him over.

Whilst driving on a straight road in the middle of the day.

I question how aware when driving American drivers are given how this seems to happen a lot in films. No wonder they are working so hard on autonomous cars.

In the cafe she see’s her sister who is acting as peculiar as their potential road casualty and notices a scar across her forehead.
She dismisses this when she calms down and they eat.

Now not only is everyone acting like they have been lobotomised but the food looks disgusting. Why has no-one reported this place?

So off they pop and run out of petrol only to discover someone has cut a hole in their fuel line and left a bit of string with a tooth tied to it on the fuel line.

I don’t understand the bit with the tooth.
Anyway bland shoves the bit of string back where he found it on his car and tells no-one.
I don’t understand that too.

So they see the sheriff who doesn’t do much other than insult them but at least he manages to get them to a motel.
Here’s they meet Vince (I’m not going to think of an insult for him because moron is already taken) who is looking for his brother. He talks to bland… sort off. Bland isn’t interested in what he has to say which is understandable as Vince seems to only want to talk in that cryptic way people talk in films.
The way where instead of explaining everything like normal people do there merely give out little nuggets in some sort of delusion that that will make someone listen and understand.
But that is understandable given how rude bland is to him.

He says he had the same thing happen to his car and he’s been waiting for a month at the motel to have it fixed.

This is one of those horrors where all the good guys are idiots and are really trying to survive their stupidity more than the cannibals after them for their tender, tender meat.

So once all the idiots decide to team up Vince suggest not splitting up. This is important to remember because later on he’ll tell them to split up.
Everyone is killed off very easily apart from moron and Vince.

Held by the cannibals she wakes up after being drugged and not only is she not restrained but the room she is in is unlocked. So she wonders around the house managing to avoid her captors like she’s Solid Snake but at least the captors had the foresight to lock the backdoor and then Vince appears.
She doesn’t trust him initially because he went on ahead earlier looking for a way to escape the woods and that’s how she was caught. She says she’ll abandon him if it comes to him or her and he says he’ll do the same.

So he leads her to the backdoor which is locked and manages to unlock it.

So how did he get in the house? He came back for her after all.

They get outside where she sees needles and equipment used to cut up the bodies just like she witnessed inside and for some reason this causes her to freeze. Remember the agreement to leave the other person? Well after whispering inside the house and being very quiet as to not alert the cannibals Vince decides to forget their mutually agreed rule on looking out for themselves and starts shouting at moron to get her to snap out of it and run.

Yes they are spotted because of this so off they trot and at one point moron stops. She can’t go on and she is so upset so Vince once again pleads with her to move and that is when they are both captured.

Don’t worry because moron escapes again, Vince is not so lucky, then she is cornered and escapes again and is captured and escapes again but this time has a gun.
I have to point she only escapes because at this point the cannibals are bigger fuckwads than she is.
She sees one of the cannibals coming for her so with gun in hand she decides to run away!?!

For fucks sake.

Anyway she is captured again and this time she is restrained. Funny how that makes a difference

It is bad enough that teenagers make up most of the good guys in horror films but why do they have to be so annoying, rude and stupid in modern horror films too?
They rarely seem to get on with each other and we are supposed to be rooting for them. They are the ones whose experiences that we are watching are supposed to make us want them to win not die.

The acting is largely poor, it has that home digital camera\YouTube look and sound to it like most cheap horror films do. The director does try just like the actors do for the most but they are all not quite as good at their craft as they should be before attempting to make a feature film and invest in stedicam.

Not the worst modern low-budget horror because some are woeful but all do seem bad so if you’ve seen one low-budget then you know exactly what to expect here.