I’ll show you ugly!
To round off my Bad Movie August I’m reviewing this piece of shite. As a child I loved this film. As an adult I don’t know why I ever did.
Directed by Rod Amateau this film was original supposed to be directed by John Carl Buechler who directed the original Troll (1986) and Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988) and his vision was for a good old fashioned horror where a garbage can would’ve been covered in Radioactive waste and the broken dolls inside would’ve become serial killers.
I’m not sure how that relates to what the Garbage Pail Kids are meant to be but it definitely sounds better than what we ended up with.
The Garbage Pail Kids area series of trading cards that were a parody of the Cabbage Patch Dolls except the kids were deformed and disgusting like below
I loved these cards which is probably why I loved this film so after 20 years I watched it again and this film confirms what I already knew.
Children are idiots
As a big finale for my Bad Movie August and because I want to do everything I can to stop people wasting 1hr 32mins of their life on this I’m going to do something different and review the whole film from start to finish so you’ll only spend 5 minutes reading this should you be on the fence about seeking this abomination out.
So the films starts with a some nicely rotating Garbage Pail style cards depicting the actors spinning in space near Earth and then spaceship that looks like a garbage can (I think that’s what Americans call it) joins in the fun. Does this mean they Kids are aliens?
I don’t know why they put that in because at no pint in the film does it allude to them being extra-terrestrial beings again. In fact they are trapped in the can by magic.
Next we see out protagonist Dodger being chased by some bullies, led by Juice who take his lunch money. Now Dodger is about 14 and Juice is about 18-20 and he is stealing younger children’s lunch money. The problem with Juice and his girlfriend Tangerine (that’s her name) and the rest of his gang is that their characters come across as if they were written for actors the same age as Dodger. They seem so out of place because of that.
This scene does give us this great laugh (and an indication of the quality of acting on display)
Dodger goes to Manzini’s Antiques shop where he works to clean up and here we find out Manzini has magical powers and is probably quite a few centuries old.
The next day Tangerine walks past Manzini’s and Dodger invites her to see if there is anything in the shop that she can use in her fashion creations despite her nasty attitude towards him.
Juice and the gang turn up where they chase him around the shop and the Kids get released.
After rescuing Dodger we are introduced to our titular characters and this is where the film really starts to fall apart.
Due to a lack of money the puppet heads the actors have to wear needed more work done to them but filming went ahead anyway as the director thought the animations would improve during filming.
Imagine the worst Uncanny Valley you remember and now you know they made an entire film which will have you suffering from this revulsion.
Don’t believe me? Watch the trailer
Full of disgusting traits such as Ali Gator who eats human parts or Windy Winston who constantly farts, we have Nat Nerd who’s face is full of spots and wets himself or Messie Tessie who constantly has a runny snotty nose and then there is Valerie Vomit but I think you know what her claim to fame is.
No need to tell you what most of the jokes will be based around. The Kids decide to help Dodger get the girl. Remember she’s easily 17 and he’s 14 at best. So he convinces here to take him to where she’s selling clothes meanwhile the Kids go looking for their other friends just to give up and go get something to eat culminating in an dining sequence that not only is pointless but full of brain numbing dialogue.
Kill me now
Arriving at Tangerines flat wearing a horrible circus ring master-esque jacket that the Kids made that naturally impress her, she demands a dozen in between talking down to him, so he gets the Kids to make more for him giving us a fuck awful musical number that I was going to link to here but it’s so fuck awful I never want to hear it again.
The Kids go out in disguise to a bikers bar (called the Toughest Bar in the World) and a cinema and God this film is testing my patience.
In an attempt to find more Garbage Pail Kids Dodger and Manzini go looking for the State Home for the Ugly. I shit you not.
Tangerine and Dodger sell the clothes the Kids made and we find out she’s using him, which given her absolute contempt for him other than when he can provide clothes for her surprised me, and she discovers it’s the Kids who made the outfits. She works with them to make more outfits for a fashion show of hers and treats them with the same contempt so at least she is consistent.
Tangerine locks them in the shop so they can’t go to the fashion show and embarrass her as Juice and the gang kidnap them, taking the to the State Home for the Ugly, while Tangerine continues to be a self-obsessed bitch to everyone else at the fashion show.
The state home is just ridiculous beyond measure. Locked in cages with signs like “Too Old” “too Bald” (For a Ghandi looking person) or “Too Fat” for someone dressed as Father Christmas and you wonder if there was a point when someone thought this wasn’t working. The purpose of this home is as a temporary way point until they are killed.
At the show Dodger finally learns of Tangerines deception and rescues the Kids with the help of the bikers in another drawn out, fucking stupid sequence but we do learn that the other Garbage Pail Kids the Kids were looking for half way through the film were actually at the state home and crushed to death in the back of a Binmans truck.
Everyone goes to the fashion show for revenge which sadly gives me my favourite scene as juvenile as it is
Dodger beats the snot out of Juice (remember he’s 14 and Juice is about 20) and leaves the show very upset, opening Tangerines eyes to her behaviour.
So she finds him at the shop to apologise and try to be friends where Dodger says “No thanks, I don’t find you pretty anymore”.
This actually works and has the impact it should. In a film that is beyond crap there is one part that will almost fool you into thinking maybe the people making it could’ve had it in them to do something better than this.
Back in the shop the Garbage Pail Kids are… Fuck, that what short lived.
Something happens, the film ends on another shitty joke and you can take the DVD out of the player just to melt it.
There is a message about what is really ugly in people shoe-horned in but I would rather have a decent script or at least decent looking puppet masks so clearly when this was given the ok the film they envisioned was different to what they ended up with.
Nothing redeeming about this and the only reason to watch it is because when the fancy takes you you like watching crappy B-movies simply to see if they truly are that bad.
Knowing this will never, ever be on telly I can get on with my life warm with the knowledge that I will never, ever have to witness this again but if you must yourselves you can see the whole crapfest on YouTube.
There was plans for a sequel and in 2012 plans for a remake but thankfully nowt has been heard about that since then