Bad Film June: 30 Bad Films 30 Days Part 1

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I have a lot of bad horror films that I’ve been putting off watching because they are bad.
When I say bad I mean modern.
Washed out colours, YouTube bedroom audio quality, YouTube bedroom camera quality.
Same plot, same script, same SJW forced message, same tropes and clichés and just samey.
So to give me a reason to watch them I had a Bad Film June where I watched one a day and then had to decide whether to bin it or keep it.
Maybe I’m wrong about modern horror. Maybe this month will change my mind.
Only one way to find out…

To read Part two click HERE

Madison CountyDay 1: Madison County (2011)

As with a lot of cheap modern horror it has a nice DVD cover.
So usual fare as the film starts with 5 teens on a trip. We have the couple hiding their relationship (every film has to have a romantic subplot) but unlike most films this couple isn’t so bad.
Granted the GF is selfish and dismissive of her boyfriend but no real conflict there so where is it?
Every film has to have conflict between friends or family or any group of people. We can’t see people simply getting along now can we?
Well this comes in the form of unwanted on trip tag along, Kyle. Brother of said GF.
Pointless conflict as usual but I warmed to him slightly when he stopped being a such miserable sod.
The killer runs round with a Pigs head on and in Hick dungarees which look good but he is still a generic red-neck Jason\Michael.
At 82 minutes this film doesn’t drag it’s feet. The build up is good and everyone that dies does so like you would expect someone to in real life.
No spoilt 18 year old college girl with the durability of Buffy and survival instincts of Rambo.
The deaths are short and to the point just like this film just take your motion sickness pills. That shaky cam is especially shaky today.
I liked it.
A good start but I know it wont last.

Verdict: Keep

 

NoTellMotel-1Day 2: No Tell Motel (2012)

So after a promising start it all falls apart with this turd.
What this film has going for it is the fact that it’s well made and doesn’t look like something made for YouTube.
The problem is the characters.
They are all garbage. No mater how good you think someone is in this film they all turn out to be pieces of shite one way or the other apart from the only decent one who dies first though I suspect given time they would’ve found a way to make her on par with a child molester.
At the core of it this film is simply nasty. I don’t know if it’s trying to emulate Hostel but hostel had characters you could root for and only shocked the viewers with the level of gore and not depravity.
It seems the film tries its hardest not to gross you out or scare you but to take every chance it has to take anything that resembles decency in any of the characters on show and remove that decency as if that is a clever twist.
It becomes a parody of itself and shows us why we can name plenty of characters from horror films in the 80’s but very little to none today.
Don’t expect a Nancy or Glen or Tommy Jarvis here. All we have is how quick can the film-makers turn whatever remaining decent character into the pit of the earth and then throw in a crass scene, for two of them this is especially true, to try to shock the audience.
Like I said it’s nicely filmed to the point it looks like a decent budgeted film but really it’s a polished turd.
I have 28 more days of this shite to get through!

Verdict: Bin it

 

FertileGroundDay 3: Fertile Ground (2011)

An After Dark original. Great.
the only other After Dark original I have seen was 51 (2011) and I turned that off half way through because it was beyond un-watchable.
Still lets give this a go.
Fertile Ground is your run of the mill couple move into new house. Man starts to change because he’s possessed and you know the rest.
Which in this case you really do if you’ve ever seen any film of this type before.
It’s slow, takes far too long to get to the point and lacks ideas.
It does have a few good jump scares but a modern film would and is very nicely filmed.
The actors do a good job especially the wife but she does have a weird child-like voice but then I’m one to talk about voices.
The music when it really gets going I found to be very good too.
So it does a lot of things right but it’s slow and unoriginal. Hopefully the director can write something more interesting next time as he does have talent.

Verdict: Bin it

 

Excision(1)Day 4: Excision (2012)

The highlight so far.
Pauline is odd to put it politely and obsessed with surgery. She has dreams of becoming a surgeon one day but more concerning is the dreams she has involving surgery.
Now these scenes are beautifully filmed with everything happening in a plain white room like so many other dream sequences in films are. Except here the white background contrast very nicely with the striking red of the blood from the surgery (or mutilations) that would make even the NHS cringe.
Pauline gets a sexual thrill from these dreams that at one point she tries to pursue in the real world.
I love this character. She’s disturbed and does everything possible to turn people away and is rightly reviled.
Her Father is a perfectly nice man suffocated in a failing marriage to a belittling, controlling, religious shrew of a woman that dotes on one child but has almost complete contempt for the other and is wonderfully played by 80’s legend Traci Lords.
But Pauline must accept her fair share of the blame here.
Excision doesn’t give too much about where the film is heading away until the fantastic finale, instead we see what is more like a week in the life of a borderline socio-path finally crossing that line.
Bit artsy and not to everyone’s taste.
Probably not to most peoples but I loved it and AnnaLynne McCord is brilliant as Pauline.

Verdict: Keep it

 

ChildrenoftheLivingDeadDay 5: Children of the Living Dead (2001)

I’ve heard how bad this is so why do I like it.
The effects are cheap (but not CGI) and the script is bad, the plot has more holes than my Y-fronts and it’s crowning glory is the dubbing.
It’s so bad that it feels like this is a non-English film re-recorded into English.
Tom Savini at the start simply can’t stop muttering but rarely does his mouth move and when the dialogue does match the actors mouth movements it is laughable at how obvious it is that it has been re-recorded.
With a scene involving several people you have the person talking whilst simultaneously hearing the mutterings of everyone else.
It’s brilliantly bad and I think I have a new favourite Zombie in Abbot Hayes. Even his name is bad and sorry Bub.
There isn’t much to say about the film so here is some trivia for you.
John Russo who co-wrote the original Night of the Living Dead has rights to produce his own Living Dead series and this is what he came up with.
In the film we learn the first outbreak was in 1969, referring to Night of the Living Dead (1968) and then there was a second outbreak in 1986, referring to The Return of the Living Dead (1985) and both of those are films you should watch instead of this.
I cannot recommend it at all

Verdict: Keep it

 

Zombies of Mass DestructionDay 6: Zombies of Mass Destruction (2009)

A Political Zomedy.
 
Minus the politics and comedy it seems.
I think the political part must be how the virus is apparently part of a terrorist attack from a radical Islamic group and how the Iranian girl is thought to be one of the terrorist but that isn’t political.
Satire at best.
The film made me chuckle a few times and to its credit it did take a few scene further than you would expect but in the end when it tied everything up it was the same old clichés that could be seen a mile off.
Effectively mocking any of its attempts at being original throughout the film.
A couple of good jokes, good scenes even and a good amount of corn syrup but nothing special and let down by its ending.
If you want a zombie comedy film then there’s the still king of them Shaun of the Dead or if you want something you might not have seen then I recommend Juan of the Dead but not this.
 

Verdict: Bin Laden it

 

UndergroundDay 7: Underground (2011)

A group of friends go to a rave in an abandoned military factory to meet up with a friend who is back from serving in the army.
Crazy science experiments, trapped and hunted by mutated killers etc.
It starts of well with a flashback to why the military abandoned the base but was there no investigation into why all those American soldiers died on that army base?
Regardless that’s not the problem with this film. It’s the meatheads, sorry heroes.
The film establishes them as kung fu fighting experts but they are really every bad stereotype you have about soldiers.
They throw their weight around, are far too aggressive for even the slightest reason. Part of the might is right, I’m better than you because I chose to be a soldier so thank me for that.
They aren’t likeable at all and their girlfriends are as bad.
What is it with modern horror films giving us shitty characters that are supposed to be rooting for?
I enjoyed every moment of watching them die and almost threw up when it tried to show their deaths or a flashback of them as something sad.
Could’ve been so much better without everyone being such a meathead and stop with the Ho-rah and Sempre-Fi shite especially after you’ve just told us a story about how you shot a load of Iraqi children to death.
 

Verdict: Bomb it

 

the TaskDay 8: The Task (2011)

Another After Dark original.
Great.
With quite a good opening scene The Task is about a group of people put into an abandoned prison to make a scary reality TV show.
Like Big Brother but better looking and more entertaining.
Of course something else just might be in the prison with them…
Have to admit that I liked this one a lot.
I liked the setting and the characters and the script and the plot with its holes in places.
It’s nicely filmed too so a pleasant surprise. It isn’t filled with lots of deaths and takes its time in places but was still engaging enough for me especially the production crew in the production van.
They were actually funny when supposed to be plus there was a nice plot point that gave them an excuse to keep filming whilst everything was going wrong and people were being killed in front of their eyes.
I liked the twist later on and overall this film.
Will I like it so much on a second viewing? I don’t know but for now After Dark have surprised me (second time this week) so maybe I will have to eat my words but I still have at least 3 more of their films to review, not fucking touching Playback (2012) because it’s beyond shite, so we’ll see.
 

Verdict: Keep it

 

Hunting Grounds Zombie HuntersDay 9: Zombie Hunters (2008) aka Hunting Grounds

I don’t care about budgets in films. Patrol Men (2010) had a budget of only £5000 which is a bit less than the US$20,000 Zombie Hunters had but Patrol Men used its budget better.
The story has too many sub-plots going through it and too much exposition that is delivered by French Canadians who’s accents are so thick that I couldn’t understand significant parts of it.
If the director had cut back on the different locations and that would have meant using less CGI in them, simplified the story more he could have achieved a better looking film and had a more coherent film.
There’s only so much that can be done with such a tiny amount of money but his ambition was far too high.
The acting was bad, the film dragged on and the characters were a mess.
There are some good ideas in this film. The special effects to show when something was a hologram was good. The Minority Report type interfaces looked good and the story had potential but if there’s supposed to be so much pollution that people are restricted to virtual worlds and cannot leave the cities to go into the wilderness then how come in Canada everyone drives that years model Toyota?
It isn’t the budget that lets this film down it’s the lack of attention to detail and scope attempted by the director that does and that’s a shame.
If he had reigned himself in a bit he would have more to show.

Verdict: bin il

ZombieApocalypse(3)Day 10: Zombie Apocalypse (2011)

Made for SyFy by the Asylum.
Christ all this needs it to be called an After Dark original and we have the holy trinity of lazy, cash-in rubbish.
Featuring Ving Rhames who you might remember from better films such as the Dawn of the Dead remake, this made for TV movie is not that bad.
It’s a cash in of the Walking Dead and doesn’t hide it with the similarities and references including Walking Dead creator Robert Kirkman and a few comments demanding that they be called Zombies (That was funny) to picking out carbon copy characters like Daryl, Rick but the most in your face is the Michonne rip-off.
But fuck it I liked them all.
I liked this TV movie. Some… more than some of the effects are not the best yet it does a good job making you believe it’s a world decimated by Zombies.
Of course some of the action is laughable but then some of it is ok. Good locations, good situations and not a bad cast.
Cheap but good fun even if this is nothing more than the first series of the Walking Dead condensed into 90 minutes but with a tenth of the budget of one episode.
In fact all it needed was a bad imitation of one of Ricks speeches.
If you don’t mind cheap crap TV movie rip-offs then give it a go.
if you don’t then probably stay clear.


Verdict: Keep it

 

TheDeadDay 11: The Dead (2010)

A British zombie film set in Africa.
An American soldier survives a plane crash and has to find a way out of Africa helped by AWOL African soldier Daniel who’s trying to find his son.
A brilliant 15 or so minutes start of this above average zombie flick that starts to slow its pace considerably as the film goes on but thankfully didn’t drag.
Sometimes the script wasn’t that well thought out and there were a few scenes that are supposed to be impact-full or meaningful and miss the mark a bit yet others that don’t like the Mother and her baby.
Some nice effects and gory deaths also the film-makers make good use of the beautiful scenery available to them.
I will watch this one again just be wary that it is a slower paced film.

Verdict: Keep it

 

TheBodyDay 12: The Body (2012)

A Spanish thriller about a successful businesswoman who died earlier that day but who’s body suddenly disappears from the morgue leading a detective to try to prove the husband did it and the husband being seemingly taunted by his now dead wife.
After 15 minutes I was convinced I had the plot figured out and it was something I’ve seen before more times that I care to ever see again.
Despite being tired and predictable The Body is beautifully filmed in every way and to waste such good work on a story we’ve seen before left me disappointed.
So imagine my surprise when the film had one little surprise of its own that removed all disappointment I had and that goes to show why I love foreign films so much.
Yes the final twist itself is a bit contrived but as everything about this film is screaming quality and given what I thought I was going to end up with I was left satisfied.
Find this if you like a good thriller.

Verdict: Keep it

 

The ApparitionDay 13: The Apparition (2012)

A couple move into a new house but quickly realise that there’s something more supernatural there.
I know some people don’t think things like plot and characters are important in films and for 80’s cheese that’s true but if you’re making what’s supposed to be a serious horror then only getting the cinematography right won’t save a badly written film.
The boyfriend is your usual clumsy, tread upon wimp to scared to stand up for himself with his misses and willing to take all the blame for shit that isn’t his fault and the girlfriend is your usual selfish, controlling and dismissive female character that passes for final girl these days so no doubt feminist will absolutely love her.
They are the biggest problem with this film. All through the film I wanted them to die because they are awful characters.
But the truly sad aspect of this film is that it is nicely filmed and the bits where the entity is making it’s presence known is quite good as well as the first attempt later on to trap it.
In fact the out of body and suffocation scene (he should’ve let her suffocate) is fantastic as well as when the hands are appearing from behind the girlfriend and grabbing her.
I hate it when I watch a horror film that has potential made by a director that has some talent.
It’s more of a waste than when I watch a badly made film.
I don’t think Warner Bros would’ve worked so hard to bury this film if the characters weren’t such poison to watch.

Verdict: Bury it like Warner tried to

 

Shark Night 3DDay 14: Shark Night 3D (2011)

Not bad at all.
A group of friends (that actually get along) go to one their friends home for a trip.
The problem is in the waters is a shark… or two.
Like I said this wasn’t bad. The special effects vary from ok (but still better than anything the SyFy channel throws out) to pretty good and the 3D is really good.
At its worst you have an easy on the eyes that gives you slight sense of depth but when the film is underwater the effect is incredible.
More than just a simple sense of depth.
There’s some nice deaths and nicely despicable characters plus the film doesn’t take too long to get into why we are here.
No 40 minutes of irritating college students drinking and being crude, annoying to the point we want to see them all die and then the shark attacks.
Cheesy ending aside I enjoyed this one a lot. I’m sure it’s an average film but it does enough things right to be entertaining for 84 minutes so thumbs up for me which is more than one of them could do in the film after his first attack.

Verdict: Keep it

 

ScreamoftheBansheeDay 15: Scream of the Banshee

Another After Dark original and starring Lance Henriksen means this will probably be bad.
For the record I am a fan of Lance Henriksen but he does appear in a lot of shite these days.
A package is sent to an archaeology professor containing a gauntlet that leads the professor and her team to unearth another mysterious artefact which in turn unleashes a deadly Banshee.
If you want anymore on the story then I’m not the man to ask as the audio levels in this film are appalling.
At best I could hear what people were saying with the volume turned up way too high only for the Banshee’s screams to be ridiculously loud compared to everything else in the film meaning I had to turn the volume down only to have to turn it back again to hear what people were saying.
I couldn’t understand anything Lance Henriksen said and missed most of the dialogue in the film not that is probably a bad thing.
A rushed, messy ending and that cheap SyFy look and feel throughout means this is one to possibly watch on TV if it’s on but that’s it.
Not the worst one I’ve seen this month but not good at the same time
 

Verdict: Bin it